Dear mom

Dear Mom,

I'm writing to let you know how much I miss you. I've certainly gone more than a week without speaking to you before. But, some how knowing that it's never going to happen again makes it seem so very long, indeed. I can't begin to express what it feels like not to have you here any more. The emptiness is bigger than I can describe or imagine. It's so vast, the hole is so big I can't imagine that it will ever be filled. This beautiful little kitty we got and named after you doesn't come close to filling the gap. I want to tell you I found Dina on Facebook but, you're not there. I want to tell you that Matthew is doing so well but, you're not there. I want to hold you because you always helped when I felt so sad but, you're not there. Where can I go when I need you, knowing that you won't be here again. Knowing I won't see you again until I meet you on the other side.

I knew from your diagnosis last year that you were leaving this life. I knew it was your way of checking out. I'm ok with that. We all will leave when we're ready to go. I thought by knowing, that I would some how be prepared for it. I thought I was going to be ready to say good bye. How wrong I was. There's this little girl in me that never really knew that you loved me because, of what happen with Spiro. I know now. I knew after I told you what happened. It seemed that you got sick just months after I was able to tell you what happened. Just as I was able to let my guard down and believe you really cared, you got sick. And before we had time to catch our breath you were gone. The kid in me never got to be with you like a kid should be able to be with her mom. Now I have to do this mothering thing myself. I have to love me like I never knew you did. I have to walk her thought this.

I love you. And I miss you. I want you to know I can do this. Like you, I am strong. I wrote it in some other post I published, " Will of steel. Heart of a child." It's what I got and it's because of you. You passed a precious gift to me and it's a strong heart. I'm grateful for it and will use it well. Thank you.

All my love,
Pam