Living In The Moment With My Computer

Here's one that's really hard for me. Even when I think I'm settled down and relaxed, I'm not. I might be reading a really good book but, I'm alert for sounds around the house, for where my son might be next. Once upon a time it wasn't safe to let him out of my sight. Then it was okay to just listen for where he might be or what he might be doing. Now it's pretty safe 90% of the time. But, old habits, old hyper vigilance dies hard.

Letting go of fears that seem to be hard wired into your mind is more than a process. It's actually hard work. Even when he isn't home, it's sometimes hard to let my guard down. I suspect that I was probably always like this to some extent. So when Patrick and then Matthew were born I just went into overdrive. Down shifting to cruising speed is hard enough but, going all the way down to 1st or second is brutal. I don't think I even get there in my sleep. Ah sleep! Is there anything better? It's right there with sex and ice cream. But, I digress.

Being in the moment is what this is about and it's where I never seem to be. Letting right now just happen no matter how hard or how sad or how awesome it might be seems to be painfully difficult for me. It feels like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I long for the feeling of calm, peaceful contentment. The feeling that every thing's okay, that it's going to stay that way. The feeling that I can let down my guard and just be. I say the world is a benevolent place and that people are good and kind. I think I generally feel that way about life but, I so often feel this sense of foreboding. So, where does it come from and how does one send it packing?

I've tried meditation. It works for a while and I can't always make myself sit still for so long. Again, emptying my head of thought is brutal. I take walks they help temporarily. Practicing the Law of Attraction and reaching for that slightly better feeling is great in principle but, not always possible in practice. So, I write. I put it all down and send it out into cyberspace. Letting what's stuck in me out this way is what's worked the best so far. Though putting sex and/or ice cream to the test is also worth the effort.

Writing for me has always been worth the effort. It seems my peace comes with words. Somewhat like the pensieve of Dumbledore's in Harry Potter. I put it in writing and it neatly tucks away until I need to revisit it. I'm as close to living in the moment when I'm at the computer writing. I drain what plagues me into cyberspace and go about my business. Sometimes it's painful. I tear up when I'm typing. Sometimes it's exhilarating and I type with the speed of a runner. Other times it comes in waves of anger and fury and I smash and bang at the keys. It's all good. It's all living in the moment and getting the extra emotion out of me. Cathartic and refreshing, writing is what gives me peace.

And now I bid you adieu because, the beach is another place where I can find some peace.