Dear mom

Dear Mom,

I'm writing to let you know how much I miss you. I've certainly gone more than a week without speaking to you before. But, some how knowing that it's never going to happen again makes it seem so very long, indeed. I can't begin to express what it feels like not to have you here any more. The emptiness is bigger than I can describe or imagine. It's so vast, the hole is so big I can't imagine that it will ever be filled. This beautiful little kitty we got and named after you doesn't come close to filling the gap. I want to tell you I found Dina on Facebook but, you're not there. I want to tell you that Matthew is doing so well but, you're not there. I want to hold you because you always helped when I felt so sad but, you're not there. Where can I go when I need you, knowing that you won't be here again. Knowing I won't see you again until I meet you on the other side.

I knew from your diagnosis last year that you were leaving this life. I knew it was your way of checking out. I'm ok with that. We all will leave when we're ready to go. I thought by knowing, that I would some how be prepared for it. I thought I was going to be ready to say good bye. How wrong I was. There's this little girl in me that never really knew that you loved me because, of what happen with Spiro. I know now. I knew after I told you what happened. It seemed that you got sick just months after I was able to tell you what happened. Just as I was able to let my guard down and believe you really cared, you got sick. And before we had time to catch our breath you were gone. The kid in me never got to be with you like a kid should be able to be with her mom. Now I have to do this mothering thing myself. I have to love me like I never knew you did. I have to walk her thought this.

I love you. And I miss you. I want you to know I can do this. Like you, I am strong. I wrote it in some other post I published, " Will of steel. Heart of a child." It's what I got and it's because of you. You passed a precious gift to me and it's a strong heart. I'm grateful for it and will use it well. Thank you.

All my love,
Pam

Living In The Moment With My Computer

Here's one that's really hard for me. Even when I think I'm settled down and relaxed, I'm not. I might be reading a really good book but, I'm alert for sounds around the house, for where my son might be next. Once upon a time it wasn't safe to let him out of my sight. Then it was okay to just listen for where he might be or what he might be doing. Now it's pretty safe 90% of the time. But, old habits, old hyper vigilance dies hard.

Letting go of fears that seem to be hard wired into your mind is more than a process. It's actually hard work. Even when he isn't home, it's sometimes hard to let my guard down. I suspect that I was probably always like this to some extent. So when Patrick and then Matthew were born I just went into overdrive. Down shifting to cruising speed is hard enough but, going all the way down to 1st or second is brutal. I don't think I even get there in my sleep. Ah sleep! Is there anything better? It's right there with sex and ice cream. But, I digress.

Being in the moment is what this is about and it's where I never seem to be. Letting right now just happen no matter how hard or how sad or how awesome it might be seems to be painfully difficult for me. It feels like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I long for the feeling of calm, peaceful contentment. The feeling that every thing's okay, that it's going to stay that way. The feeling that I can let down my guard and just be. I say the world is a benevolent place and that people are good and kind. I think I generally feel that way about life but, I so often feel this sense of foreboding. So, where does it come from and how does one send it packing?

I've tried meditation. It works for a while and I can't always make myself sit still for so long. Again, emptying my head of thought is brutal. I take walks they help temporarily. Practicing the Law of Attraction and reaching for that slightly better feeling is great in principle but, not always possible in practice. So, I write. I put it all down and send it out into cyberspace. Letting what's stuck in me out this way is what's worked the best so far. Though putting sex and/or ice cream to the test is also worth the effort.

Writing for me has always been worth the effort. It seems my peace comes with words. Somewhat like the pensieve of Dumbledore's in Harry Potter. I put it in writing and it neatly tucks away until I need to revisit it. I'm as close to living in the moment when I'm at the computer writing. I drain what plagues me into cyberspace and go about my business. Sometimes it's painful. I tear up when I'm typing. Sometimes it's exhilarating and I type with the speed of a runner. Other times it comes in waves of anger and fury and I smash and bang at the keys. It's all good. It's all living in the moment and getting the extra emotion out of me. Cathartic and refreshing, writing is what gives me peace.

And now I bid you adieu because, the beach is another place where I can find some peace.

A Boy And His Arrow

How do you fill a heart broken from loss. In this case we filled it with a soft, little black kitty. His name is Arrow.

My son's devastation from the loss of our cat Tupelo, was more than he could bare. The emptiness in my own heart was so heavy, I could no longer be without a cat. To me, and now I know, my son too, a home with out a cat, is a home without a soul.

I was deeply touched that Patrick had become so attached to Tupelo. She was already 4 and half years old when he was born. By the time he was old enough to pay any attention to her she was a senior citizen. Then she got sick and lived with kidney disease for several years before she died. She was one of those rare beings that did nothing but love. No mischief, no wrecking the furniture, always using the liter box. When she got to weak to climb into our laps or jump onto the bed, we picked her up. She radiated warmth and giving until the end.

After a week and a half of missing her terribly, we decided to get a new kitty. He had been at the shelter for 2 months. He was brought in as a stray. Patrick was immediately taken by him. That was all I needed to lay down the fee for his up keep and bring him home. I told Patrick that he could pick a name for the new kitty. He thought of several, Duster, Ninja, Jet but, finally settled on Arrow. He said, because when the kitty runs he goes as straight as an arrow. Then, of course, I thought of the song Me And My Arrow.

It has been so long since I had a kitten in the house I forgot somewhat, what to expect. Lots of racing around, day and night. Lots of tipped over waste paper baskets. Tissues shredded and strewn everywhere. Lots of needing to be picked up and loved, lots of lap time, too. All worth it. Arrow has become a member of the family. Patrick has thanked me 20-30 times for getting him a new kitty. I am grateful for getting the new kitty. He has brought soul back to our home. Thank you Arrow.

Goodbye, Miss Tupelo

Well, I did it. A few days ago I had the cat put down. I keep seeing her around the house and then, she isn't there. I tell myself "She was old and sick and unhappy." "It was for the best." But, I continue to question this daily.

It's an experience like no other. When a family member is gone, one that's been with you for many years, it's difficult without their physical presence. I believe we all go back to our original state, one of pure energy. Animals know this better than we do. They are more open to and comfortable with the energy of the universe. That helps me let her go a little more easily.

I think, because I'm so grounded in this physical state, that not having her physically present is more difficult. Letting go of an idea, a feeling that's been with me so long is what's troubling me. She was with me for almost 17 years. Through, a marriage, a divorce, the births of my children. She was here for Patrick's Cerebral Palsy diagnosis, Matthew's autism diagnosis. Tupelo was even here for the recall of childhood abuse. Now I have to face the rest of life's challenges without her.

Over the last few weeks, as I was thinking that she was failing, I began to realize that letting her go was going to open the world up to me in a whole new way. This doesn't make letting go easier. It makes it transistory. When a door is closed another one opens. Always does, always will. It's recognizing the opening when it comes that's sometimes tough. Or perhaps, it's not the opening that's hard to see. Perhaps, what's most difficult of all, is walking through it.

Thank you, Tupelo, for your time and love. I'll miss you greatly.

The Kitty Dilemma

My Kitty will be 17 years old in June. She is having a long and adventurous life. She also, suffers from kidney disease, near deafness, arthritis and depression.

I recently spoke with a psychic who advised me wisely on an number of topics but, also informed me that my cat was suffering and putting her down might be best. I believe that only humans should (or perhaps not) prolong their lives through artificial means. My kitty is still eating and purring and taking care of herself. She does seem slower, less active and maybe, depressed. She's lost a lot of weight over the years. She used to be a fatty. Now she seems too thin. The vet advised me that when she stops eating and purring, when she is vomiting often, then I should consider putting her down.

Here's my dilemma, should I wait that long? Long enough for her to really be in distress. Or do I put her to sleep before she gets really bad. It's the first cat I've had that I've had to make this decision. The others died before I thought about it or they wandered off, away from the herd, like they do in the wild. She's the first one I've had to make this choice for.

The other component is my son. Do I tell him before I take her to the vet or after the deed is done? He's twelve and has grown attached to her over the last few years. All of this is weighing heavily on me.

Whatever I choose to do won't be easy. The advise I've received from friends and family only feels partly right. I definitely have to make my own decision here, for better or worse. I'll be sure to follow up in a few days with what I've done.

If Money Grew onTrees, it Would be Right Next to That Apple

It's a funny thing, money. It's really only a means of exchange for goods and services. It's really only energy, in a quantum sense. But, wow, what an intense hold it has on us. In and of itself it's insignificant. Put a pile of it in a room with a bunch of people and watch what happens. The ways in which people react to money are almost as diverse as the people themselves.

Some hoard it, others can't seem to hold on to it. Some folks are afraid of it while others revere it like a God. I've spent a lot of time, maybe too much, looking at how I view money. I've also, probably spent too much time trying not to think about it at all. My problem is I never seem to have enough. This spills over into other parts of my life. Not enough time, not enough sleep not enough love. You get the idea. I'm of the mind that if you think there isn't enough of something, there never will be. So, it's a catch twenty-two.

So, how to correct this dysfunction? How to get my mind set on enough. I want enough of everything. I want more than enough. Keeping my mind on this idea, mantra, positivity is more energy than I care to expend. Besides, after a few hours or a few days (like forever), I get bored with it. It's either coming or it isn't I assume. So, is changing my mind set going to actually bring me more than enough of what I want? I don't know. I've never worked it all that much.

There's also that age old question of deserving it. Most of us don't think we deserve enough. I think that's the real reason so many are broke. Thus, the poverty consciousness. Maybe, if we (you know I mean me) don't think we deserve enough, there won't be enough. If that's true then how we feel about ourselves is what we need to change. Maybe, if we can find away to raise our self-esteem, find a way to look in the mirror and say I love you, (I know, sounds crazy)maybe, we can change how much money we have.

Okay, here come all the self help gurus. Well just relax with that foolishness. This can be done with out them. Or, at least I think I can handle this with out them. All I need to do is find a way to like myself better and the all elusive enough I'm searching for will come. Okay, I hear voices saying "What about all the people out there with more than enough who aren't happy?" "Who don't like themselves." Fair enough. I would bet that they don't think they have enough of something. If you don't think you have enough, then you don't. Never will. Remember, enough is relative. It means something different to everyone.

Remember it's all about you. What do you feel, think about money? About yourself? They're related. Really!